October 6, 2026

because I cannot say it exactly **

Hi beloveds. In my dream there was a rolling wall of shaving cream
blanketing everything, then an owl was pecking my neck. Now I’m in bed
again, can hear the crickets outside, and I’m wondering - Where are you?
What are you doing? How are you feeling? This morning, I fed the birds
twice. I showered and forgot to wash my hair. I know I’m just metaphorically
pushing paper around. Grief is a violent fog and a hammering heart no one else
can see. But she’s everywhere. Her robe, hanging on the back
of the bathroom door, did me in. I listened to really sad music and lost my shit.
These are the only tentative plans so far: Biscuits and coffee and planting dahlias
next year. But right now, I am so beyond tired, and this is such hard work.
I miss you. I miss you all.

** This poem is stitched of lines taken from a group chat over the past week (with a few editorial liberties taken).