Some Lies I've Told Myself

1. No one can see inside the car windows while I drive.
1a. No one can see me get into Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes."
1b. No one sees me really get into Madonna.
1c. My version of "Live to Tell" and "Papa Don't Preach" are actually quite good.
1d. It would be a great career move for me to start doing impersonations of Madonna.
1e. Writing will not be able to pay the bills.
1f. Even writing about sex will not be able to pay the bills.
1g. Getting paid for sex, at least part-time, might be an interesting way of making a living.
1h. Getting paid for sex part-time and doing Madonna personations could make a decent life.

2. It's okay to spend $240 on a pair of pants.
2a. I deserve to splurge on a pair of grey pants I'll probably only wear 5 times.
2b. I like the nice, even, clear sound of $240.
2c. Retail therapy is an actual, psychologist-approved course of treatment for stress or sadness.
2d. There's something truly life-affirming about expensive slacks.
2e. Work performance is greatly improved by high-end clothing.
2f. I will get more work if I own grey pants.
2g. I will deserve more money to support the future purchase of other pants.

3. Getting the middle seat in the airplane is an act of personal heroism.
3a. I was meant to sit next to that baby, I just know it.
3b. This plane is not crashing because I'm in the middle seat.
3c. I am immune to the woman 1 row up who's coughing up a lung.
3d. I will not need to use the bathroom for the duration of the flight.
3e. I am capable of being in an upright and locked position for 12 hours straight.
3f. I enjoy flying even more as an adult.

4. Buying organic is a rich, meaningful experience.
4a. A $12 bottle of Coppola spaghetti sauce is leagues better than Prego.
4b. I am so glad they make organic brussel sprouts.
4c. Seeing a big pile of Free Range Rocky Jr. chicken makes me want to eat more chicken.
4d. I think $9 is not a bad price for a quart of orange juice.
4e. I'll eat anything made with quinoa.
4f. I do not miss Dunkin' Donuts.
4g. I really appreciate the abundance of wheat substitutes.